I do not feel challenged in my current state of being. No discomfort or progression seems within my reach of where I stand today.
A list to push & a mind with purpose is what I need to form. My perseverance has faltered over the years and though I seem to have lost a true reason for my existence, this does not mean that this reason is lost forever without any future of being formed.
Reminding myself that any day is a new day and every day I can begin again has been my true challenge. While I believe this in my mind, my heart has been the most dismissive of what I need within myself.
Wake up, work, go home, pray for death, sleep- repeat. I imagine the death of myself as easy as putting documents through the paper shredder, I’ll just hop in there too. Pronto- no more me. It’s not that clean, not that easy.
I wonder about how the news would travel if my death were to occur at this time in my life. Facebook. Maybe an Instagram post or story by some of my friends? But those known only to me, without any mutuals between us- how would they know?
I’m not suicidal, and I don’t say that to convince you or myself. More of a reassurance to anyone reading this that probably shouldn’t be. I’m also not here to let anyone know that I’m doing okay or for this to be some outwards call for help. I know who to call if I need help. This is just for me.
I haven’t been writing because really, I’ve had so little to say. My thoughts have not been wandering to the depths they normally live and my heart hasn’t felt pulled in any direction outside of it’s own. I haven’t been worked up or talked down. It’s been a stagnant few weeks. I’m doing my best just to remind myself that a few weeks isn’t an entire life unless I allow it to be.
The thoughts of doing nothing and allowing my life to transpire within this stagnation are present and they are real but I am fighting. My largest hurt in these thoughts is looking forward to myself in ten, twenty years from now and seeing how deeply I sold myself out by not pursuing anything. Though I may not know exactly what I want to do, me not doing anything is just adding fuel to the fire that destroys my soul.
More than anything I want to provide myself with a future where I feel proud of myself and my accomplishments. Not like the fraud that I often feel like these days. Though I know my power is real and the talents I possess are in fact mine, I feel disgraced knowing that I don’t push half as hard as I could and as I should.
Discipline has escaped me and respect has started slipping.
Dreams of stress and betrayal have consumed by nights. Sleepless with heartache caused by imagined failures and impossible problems clouding my mind. My eyes are not open to where these feelings of guilt and betrayal come from. The souls I meet in my dreams are recognized and real- why have you come to visit me here?
Regardless of the dreams that come to me in my sleep, these are not real and they are not me. Let this serve as a reminder to self that I am, and always will be, my present self. All things past and future combine with my present to create this being that walks freely in her steps and speaks calmly with her words.
This is me and I am still fighting.