Lost loves

Sometimes I share so much I feel like I should automatically have this soaring sense of confidence and relief but honestly, the more I share the more vulnerable I feel. With every word of truth I spit into this world, I gain a bit more tightness within me not knowing if what I’m saying is being received or simply passed over. Is what I’m saying reaching you as it reaches me? Do you feel the hesitance in my words but the strength in my desires? I’ve fought myself more than anyone else in this world. In love, in life, in choices. I fight me, I fight my intuition and my drive and my goals. For why? I get stuck on people. I grew up around addiction, but mine translates to people and their energy. Addicted to the feelings created with the souls in my life. Unable to let go almost always. 

I’ve cried oceans over souls I’ve lost, ones that have left, and ones I’ve had to leave. Ones I’d never want to leave- never want to abandon. See I’m not the person who gives up, not ever. I push and push even when we’re at the edge of the cliff, I will push to the end to be sure I’ve done all that I can even when it destroys us both. From this I’ve learned how to destroy a relationship to the core. From this I’ve learned the true meaning of love, and that wasn’t it. To the one’s who have left me, you are the true heroes. To abandon a love is no easy feat and I know that those who leave, do not do so without weight on their chest. I read something once that will stick with me forever, “You are too full of life to be half loved.” When I think back to the ones I’ve lost, I feel gratitude knowing that the space they’ve left is space I have to fill with love of my own, pure and strong. I’ve been jaded and bitter but those are things I won’t allow to remain. I will forever fight for love. In myself and others. And to the ones who’s love remains long after our journey together has parted- you are the ones forever etched into me. You are the ones stories are told about. Fighters of love and constant in my soul, thank you for you. Your strength to love and give and feel- beyond what any obligation could provide is the epitome of my fire for love and bonds. There is a spark inside of me that could never die, even if I allowed it myself, because so many in my life would not. For that I am forever grateful.

An old photo of love on 35mm film

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