I remember a few months ago my aunt came back from rehab. She came broken but stronger. Not ready to be okay but not comfortable in her chaos anymore. What we talked about most that first day was sadness. How comfortable she’s been in her sadness- she actually said she was happy there. Crying, she’s trying to convince me that sadness is where she belongs. Depression is her identity, it’s how she relates, it’s how she humanizes. I look at her saying, I don’t believe you and your tears don’t either. Your heart could never settle for this. I think what ties us to our heartbreaks is our fear. Fear of failure, fear of new- the unknown really. If I learned only one thing from depression it’s that it will carve out the coziest hole for you in hell, convincing you with its warmth while burying you in the snow. Your insides will break and your limbs will freeze and you will believe that this is where you belong. This is your fate. If I learned only one thing from fighting depression it’s that no matter how deep you dig yourself, no matter how far you sink, your legs will never fail you and your strength will always win. The fight will always be worth it and the struggle will yield reward. If I learned only one thing in this life it’s that I am worth the fight and you are too.
Selfportrait on 35mm film