I don’t know if I’ll ever get this out fully. I’m still shielding what’s being said- shielding you all from me and probably shielding me from me as well. I know I’m shedding and things are changing but that’s all I know. Where I’ll be in two weeks, two months, one year- I could not say. Right now I am here and though I am not where I want to be, I know that I am on the bridge to that place and the only way to get there is to continue looking forward- to continue looking up.
I’ve met so many amazing souls in the last few months of this year. It’s amazing to me how quickly someone can become an important part of your world. Someone who can be a friend that pops in your brain when you’re feeling low and they’re saying, You can do anything you want in this world- it’s at your finger tips. These people I live for. They give me strength in ways that are truly hard for me to describe because they aren’t tangible, they aren’t even intended, they just are. It’s the moments that go unnoticed that matter most I think. The ones where you show a moment of vulnerability and it’s met with compassion and love, never fear or doubt. Questions like, How are you? How is your mind? How are your emotions? These are questions of love and care and nothing more. No hidden agenda, no ulterior motives just pure care, real love and genuine friendship.
And it’s these things I can’t see myself without- intimacy in every form. I don’t have a lot of friends because I don’t do shallow. I don’t need a drinking buddy, what I need is someone I can call any time of day to talk it out, cry it out or scream it out. What I need is someone who’s soul reaches depths others can’t see through the dark. Someone real and fragile and vulnerable and strong. I would be alone for decades if it meant knowing the people I know now for one day. To remember the love I have, the love that fills me and to never have doubts that we exist. That we are in here.
I’m blessed with the best and that’s something I’ll never forget. Through my heart ache, my pain, trauma and failures; I will never forget that I am loved. I hope you all don’t either.
Someone with soul on 35mm film