Lists on lists. What really matters? I’ve made lists for days and never once looked back at one. So quick to abandon. So quick to let slip. So who’s the real villain? Who’s supposed to stick around when even you can’t hold on. So quick to call it quits. I’ve done it a million times. I’d rather be mad than sad. I’d rather throw shit than cry. And I’ll do it a million times. Slam instead of scream. Burn instead of crash. And I swear I can play the villain as good as anyone but I’d rather be the victim. I’d rather hide my faults until yours comes out and act surprised. Baffled that a human could ever do this. Surprise, I’ve been doing it the whole time. And it’s never something that should be hidden, rather always something that should be open. Something that should be discussed and not avoided. Like oh your gut wrenches when you think of me? Same. Here we are though, you playing the bad guy, the bigger person. You reflecting on my feelings like you know what really goes on in there. Ha! You all only see what we show. That’s all we could ever know. I may open myself to the internet but there’s parts that aren’t even open to me.
Someone was telling me about this Gambino album and how he says if you put everything out there then nothing’s a secret and no one can tell your secrets but she said, there’s some things, some ways only certain people can get to. I love that. I envy it. For me, there’s some things, some ways, no one can get to. I can barely get in there. And I don’t need someone to sit there and tell me to reach out, to get help, to talk to someone, to talk about it. I already know this. How could I not? I may lack self discipline but I DO NOT lack awareness. I may shield from myself but I do not hide. Not from me. I know my truth, even in my darkest undiscovered corners, I can sense what’s there.
Look at me, full of contradictions again. That’s another part you don’t get to see. The inner workings. So don’t try and tell me I’m lying to myself or I’m convincing myself of something in a backwards way, you have no idea the things I have overcome. No idea what battles I fight. So don’t go there, you aren’t welcome.
And I’ll downplay this shit till the day I die because I don’t want your pity. I don’t want your relation or your understanding. I don’t want shit.
But I promise I do. When you hear me say never or always or forever, take a good hard look at what I’m saying because I’m trying to convince myself more than you.
So how about the next time you think you’re helping someone, you turn around and help yourself. I’m full of bitterness and I want nothing from anyone so don’t expect shit from me.
And I guess I should put a side note here that says thanks for being the bigger person. Thanks for letting me be the bitter one who goes on rants that shield my real feelings more than expresses them. Thanks for loving me more than I could imagine and trying as hard as you do. I love you in more ways than I could say. You’re in my heart for good so get ready for that. And don’t think this is too much about you, it’s about too much and too little but you’ve always been the level headed one so I’m sure you’re reading in between the lines. Because in between those lines I’m writing love poems to you but addressing them to myself. I’m letting the love we share inspire a love of self and that’s something I could not return, I could not pay back. So thank you again for all that you’ve done for me. Unconditionally and full of heart. Always the first to step up. Always the first to offer a hand. I love you. Thank you for teaching me how to love better and trying to teach me how to be better. It does not go for granted and I will take every lesson forward in my soul.