I’m finding it more and more clear what I’m meant to do. And though I find myself in days where I am drenched more in anger, than anything else, I know that beneath that is most often sadness and that’s something that can be comforted, even on my own.
Writing and publishing these posts has been one of the strongest and hardest things I’ve done. What makes me feel most solid in my actions with this blog is the fact that with every post, with every emotion released, I feel my growth in more ways than I have in a long time. And still with these writings, my stories, I shield certain things because I’m afraid. Afraid to hurt someone or to have my words misconstrued. So when you come to me telling me how much my rawness inspires, how much my open honesty is something you don’t see all the time, please remember that there’s so much more I’m trying to share. So much more I want to express but I’m afraid to. Afraid to show too much, to seem like I’m more than what people really want to handle.
In the same way, I’m thankful that I continue to push myself. To put what I have to say out there because when I was younger, this was the type of shit I looked for. Someone spilling their heart, even when it hurts. Someone speaking their flaws and taking care to note that this is all temporary. I don’t need to make a difference for everyone, but I do hope to give hope to someone. I hope my words and my thoughts reach someone’s soul and ignites something in them that they thought had passed. That’s what this blog has done for me.
And I didn’t do it on my own. I was speaking with a friend one day, a month or two ago, we were talking about my goals and lack thereof. As I’m describing a project I’ve been visualizing but haven’t began the steps to fruition, he said, Well Danielle, you can do anything you want to do. Have you ever finished a project before? That answer was simple, No I haven’t. They’d never read my writing but when I spoke about writing articles a few weeks prior they said, please let me know if you do, I would love to read them. And it’s people like this, the one’s who believe in your goals, in your dreams, possibly even before you do, who push you and inspire you to find yourself. To be yourself. To create in every way your heart allows because if you don’t, you are missing out. No one else. Only you. You are selling yourself short. That’s something that can’t be forgiven, but it can be overcome.
One thing I learn everyday is that it’s never too late to turn the corner. I hold on harder than anyone I know but at the end of the day, I almost always know which step is next. I think we all do. Something I’ve been preaching these days is awareness. So often we push away awareness out of fear and comfort. We say, I’m happy here, this is fine. And sometimes you are, sometimes it is. But sometimes, you’re putting a blind fold on and saying, What a nice day. How nice that the sun came out to play. And people will nod and agree, carry on about the green grass, all the while it’s pouring outside but you have no idea. It’s easy to get stuck in the mundane. It’s hard as fuck to live there, but it’s easy to get stuck. Without challenging your beliefs, your mindset, your goals- how could you ever grow? How will overcome anything?
So with the new year on the horizon, I vow to myself to keep fighting. Even when I can’t fight anymore, I will lean on the ones I love knowing that they will fight for me when I’m down. Never kick me to help me stay there. I will be open with myself, past what I’ve allowed before because I am ready for growth. I am ready for change. For new, unknown bounds, I am ready and I will conquer.
The in betweens on 35mm film
The in betweens on 35mm film