I’ve spent a lot of my time waiting. Fantasizing about being saved.Day dreams of a person who can erase every fault I hide and replace it with love and compassion and something worth showing to the world. Like in the fairy tales where the woman isn’t as ladylike as she may need to be but a man comes along and shows her the way, how to wear her dress and put down her sword. What they don’t show you in fairy tales is that no one can really save you. There is no magic kiss to wake you up from this. You may believe in the beauty in another and that may awaken a light in you, but your shadows will still remain.
I’ve spent a lot of my time playing second best. Supporting actor in my own life story. Riding the tailgate acting like I’m just here for the ride, rather than being the one with the plan. The one with the mission.
I had someone break up with me one time and he said, I’m already on my train track Danielle. I already know my path, you still have so many to choose from. I can’t just bring you along on mine. It’s not fair. It’s not you.
I hated him for this. I scolded him and his feelings and his thoughts and his love, but it was the most honest thing he ever did for me. Completely absent of selfishness and greed, he was able to show me what I had already known. What I had already began resenting him for, because I’m not meant to walk on anyone’s coattails. Because my drive is more powerful than I allow it to be but that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
I’ve lived in fear most of my life and that goes back to the waiting. Afraid to take a step because what if I miss the moment I’m meant to be a part of. Miss the human I’m supposed to meet. I’ve halted my life more times than I can count for another human, for ones that are no longer part of my life. And though I have no regrets from the people I’ve chosen to put before myself, they have taught me that the only person who can be number one in your life, is you. Only I can put myself truly first, no one else. Only you can save yourself, no one else. Only we can fully comprehend what we are meant to be and we are the only ones who can make it happen.
I truly believe there are people in this world who you are meant to cross paths with, no matter how brief, no matter how strong. I truly believe that no matter what direction you choose to go, these people will always find you. One wrong turn could never sway them away. Our spirits are drawn to one another. Energies attract and the harder you fight against that belief, the more loneliness will fill your heart and your bones.
See, some of us are born alone and yeah, we gotta put our selves first ALWAYS, but we aren’t meant to be alone. And I’m not speaking romantically, or sexually, but companionship- companionship is what fuels lives. It’s what inspires us to fight harder, to dig longer and to never give up, even when that means letting go.
Me on 35mm film
I think I’ve got more to say on this but I can’t articulate it clearly today. Another time.