Still here

It’s easy to act like the strong one. The one on top, the one who gives enough to keep the rest. The one who balances and juggles but never truly fumbles the ball. It’s easy to pretend. It’s easy until it’s not. Until you’re left with the shell of what you thought you were and it’s caught between who you are and who you’re meant to be and you’re fighting and you’re clawing but you’re not making any progress. No here to there. Just stagnant.

It’s easy to reflect and see what was wrong. Hindsight is 20/20 and we can sit around for days to analyze the shit we’ve done or the shit we didn’t do but isn’t that just taking away from the right now and what we’re meant to be? What we’re meant to do? I see me giving myself to darkness just so I don’t have to stick around and deal with it myself. Bury it in something else. Out of sight, out of mind. That’s how it works, right?

I’m in a wave right now and I’ve sunken under but I do know that I’ll come back up again. But you know, relationships are hard. Breakups hurt and they hurt for a while. Love isn’t easy and it’s like a constant choice to let go of your shit and just accept yourself AND someone else. Like how the fuck do people steady do this shit? I’m pretty sure I’ve grown into the people who have hurt me when I was younger. I’ve caught onto their issues and made them my own. Or maybe they’ve always been mine and I just projected them onto the others- to make them the villains and grasp onto some innocence of my own. One that doesn’t really exist.

And I’m discovering so purely, lately how intensely important genuine friendships are. I’ve gained souls in the past few months I thought I was doomed to live without. Doomed to be deprived of their knowledge, teachings, and love. Such beautiful love from each of you that I’ve met. I swear I could cry an ocean of joy for the love that I’ve gained in my heart recently. And I’m a fearful one, I’m one that says, Okay this is good so bad is coming. However, instead of letting this fear guide me, I’m letting it reside in me, build with me, recognize me as I recognize it so we can grow together, overcome together and eventually relinquish together.

And before I go, I wanna think about how long it takes loving someone until you realize that everything you love in them is everything you harbor in yourself. How long until you realize that the hate you carry for someone else is the same one that destroys everything it touches within yourself. How long will we spend searching for love in someone else before we realize it’s the love of self that matters most. The inner love that you pour and fill into yourself that fuels every other love that will ever come. How long? I hope I find out soon.

Drawing by @mitchmeseke of film photo by @magness_von_doom 

If you’re reading this, reach out. Speak with me, feel with me. I want to hear your thoughts and feel your soul. Email me. Contact me. I’m here. 


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