I’m stuck without glue, licking my own wounds to keep them fresh. NOTE TO SELF: When trying to move on- do that. Move on. There is no progress when you’re constantly looking back. How will your future be if you continue to repeat your past? That’s the type of anxiety I can not live with. The one that consumes you while you contemplate if you made the right decision for sticking around. If the sixth chance you give will be the one that actually sticks. It’s better to move forward alone and unsure than together and closed off.
I won’t be the person to stay stagnant with another out of fear of being alone or fear of making the wrong choice. I vow to trust my gut, fully and honestly. To not doubt myself when it comes to matters of the heart, because I have enough passion to fuel myself alone, there is no dependence I could put on any one else.
What I crave most from humans is intimacy and affection. Care and cuddles. Deep reflection and heavy laughter. What I crave most from myself is love and light. Motivation and perseverance. Trust and loyalty. These things I have, by receiving and giving. I open myself to the beauty in this world and so often it comes flooding into my soul as often as I allow it.
I woke up this morning wanting to sink back into my hole of depression where my bed is warm and I need not leave, not ever. I sit here now, 7 hours later, fighting and digging myself out, because you’d be surprised how deep you can fall when you let yourself do so for six hours. You’d be surprised how I can go to sleep at night on top of the world and wake up buried beneath it. This is the cycle that scares me. The one that flips so suddenly and seems most out of my control. This is the one thing that helps. The one thing that keeps me going, is writing and sharing with you all.
Though I feel a little more disconnected from myself than I have been lately, I write this post with continued self love, hope and belief in myself and my future. I will continue to push myself in the direction of my dreams by actively pursuing them and constantly creating. I will create even when I have no desire to do so. I will create even if I hate every product produced. I will create and imagine and I will never stop doing so. Through my writers block, I will see my weaknesses as strengths and allow them to inspire me just as they stifle me. I will not allow the negativities of my heart to bring me down, rather show me up. Show me where I’ve been so I can show you where I’m going. Show me the darkness and I will bring you the light.
This is my promise to myself. This is my vow of love and life and beauty. I will fight for me and I want you all to fight for you.
Self on 35mm film