Becoming

I’ve lacking a firm grasp on what I’m trying to express lately. I’ve found myself dipping my soul into every form of expression I can reach and while that has me feeling most elated, I’m not sure I’m reaching the depths I need to in order to heal. I’ve also had people tell me maybe I should speak on some more specific matters here, but for me speaking broadly helps me sort the feelings that I feel, there are so many. What I’m healing from is plenty and stretched, fresh and stale. Scar tissue is good because it shows progress, but rip that baby open again and I promise it’s much worse than the first time. 

I can feel me searching for something, within myself. Like when I first wake up and can’t find my glasses. If it’s dark out and the lights aren’t on, I’m fumbling. Fingering everything, looking for that familiar shape of frame and glass. That’s what my inner self feels like right now. I’m on the brink of something big and great and very possibly terrible, but that’s okay. I’ve found a sense of peace lately that I have not harbored in my entire existence in this form. My anxiety has slowed and it’s allowing me to breathe, to look within myself and see me, only me. 

For too long I’ve centered my worth around others. I’m still fighting it. I don’t think I will be able to be in a relationship for a very long time because of this fact. This fact that I can’t seem to balance the emotion of love for self, for friends, and for a significant other. It consumes me completely. I don’t want to feel that again and I can fill myself up with fear of being alone but I just will not lose myself again. Not in someone else. Not that.

My heart feels broken, but I’m okay. I feel strong but only because I’m still here. I’m still fighting. That’s what keeps me going, my body’s ability to keep breathing, to keep beating. And I hope everyone here knows that it’s okay to waver. It’s okay to fall and lay there for a second. It’s okay not to be convinced, or to be so and change your mind. Life, from what I’ve seen, is ever changing and forever revolving. Forever coming back around. No one thing could ever be final, does that relieve you? It used to drive my anxiety but now I let it soothe my anxiety and fuel my hope. Hope for the future, hope for love, hope for me. Hope that one day, the anger I’ve embedded into my soul will truly be set free. The hurt I’ve endured will evolve into a strength unknown to me now. I will be free, because I am already so. 

The moment I decided to begin this blog and freely express myself, even with my doubts and fears of what would come, what might backfire, I felt a freedom I thought I had completely shut myself off from. I’ve emotionally nailed myself into a box so many times, it’s easy to believe that you can’t come back from that. I promise you can. I’ve wished for my death more than I could say, but that doesn’t make me less worthy of life. That doesn’t make me less deserving of love or light or care. Do not be ashamed of your struggles, they are veins in your life which will connect you to people you never knew existed but I promise the benefit of allowing that connection in your life is insurmountable. There are some things that never leave you, that you may never over come, but that just gives you another chance to BEcome. Become whoever you’re meant to be, whoever you feel to be. You are that person, believe me in that. They are in there, in you and in me. 

Self on 35mm film

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