Messy

I’m leaning towards a break from this because parts of me feel like I’m reaching more for shock factor rather than actual truth. Like I was writing a piece on sex and it went all, choking, biting, slapping. Acting like the kink is all I need but that’s the furthest from the truth. I need depth and kisses that touch my soul and hands that touch everything. Soft and gentle but still abrasive and strong. See, I don’t want just one thing. I can’t have one without the other and be completely satisfied, be completely at peace.

And I keep wanting to go back to this one spot, this one place and examine what’s there but it’s almost too much to put out there. Or maybe I’m just not ready to share, but god I want to. I strive to be unfiltered, without shield. I want what I put out there to be as raw as I feel, to be as real as so many of you believe it to be. You are all my motivation, my muses. And without that stream of consciousness to express what I’m trying to express without saying too much, I don’t know where I’d be or how this would even work.

And I keep going back to this one spot. This one place. Me telling you with my eyes what to do. Slap. Me telling you to shut me up and you think I want to be choked but really I want to be kissed. So I tell you and you fall into me, my lips, my pussy. And these are things I want to talk about- with detail but I fear too many that check into this will get their rocks off by reading my desires, memories or views and I’m just not here for that shit. (censoring- this is not erotica. this is life.)

I wrote a status on Facebook telling someone to teach me how to cook for one person instead of five. It’s funny though cuz I went on a bitching and moaning rant, complaining about myself but by the end of the night all of that extra food was in my belly, so it looks like I knew what I was doing all along. Like when you ask for advice but you’re only doing so in order to talk out loud about the decisions you’re already going to make. Gotta reiterate that shit.

So back to the sex thing, sex is messy and don’t try to tell me it’s not emotional. I’ve got a deep love for one person out there and I’ll have them in my bed any day of the week, heart ache or not that’s just how it is. I think when you love someone, you love them for good and until you give a real hard break in dynamic, nothing is bound to change. Now I’m working on myself and my own strength. I don’t want to depend on you but I definitely always want you around. That’s something you know and I know and yes I know it’s mutual too. The best part of you is knowing you’re there, knowing you care. Believing in the love that someone else has for you is one of the most valuable beliefs I have ever possessed. It gives me so much more fuel to pour back into myself and give selflessly which is how I always wish to be. And here I am, again, writing to you because I love you and always will and I don’t care if you never read any of this (parts of me hope you don’t) because I’ll tell you I love you later too because I’m not the person to hide my feelings.

Like when I had a crush on one of my friends one time and maybe the more adult thing to do would have been to ignore that shit but no no no, had to tell him. No regrets there, I’m the type to rather tell someone I have a crush on them the first week than even dream about having to tell them I’m in love with them in 3 months-cuz that’s probably how that cookie would crumble. And (god, I hope no one reads this) thank God for you because you let me tell you that, let me down easy and still support me as a genuine human and friend in your life. Can’t go wrong. So love to you too my friend but in a different way- a special way because I don’t have many friends like you and that shit is valued like fuck.

So cheers to all the panties I bunch up with this post. I’ll be withering with anxiety expecting hate mail. Love to me and love to you. Till next time.

Cleansing on 35mm film

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