I guess I feel like I’m shielding myself because I am. Not necessarily on here, though it carries back,but in real life with real humans. With people real to me and my heart, I am shielding. For protection of self and reasons full of shadows, I am hiding. And I don’t write this to feel better about my actions or my choices or even to feel some relation from someone else. I’m writing this just to get it out there, so I can look back and see where I’ve been and hopefully have overcome such.
I met someone the other day and was showing her my books, journals full of memories, words and sketches. She told me I was selfish to keep them to myself. Why, she said, when so many people would love to see these snippets of you? And I guess that’s why I have this blog and that’s why I have my personal Instagram, so I can TRY to open myself up enough to let others in, for them to see the parts that I hide away. Further even is that I don’t open easily, I crack a little side so light can shed in and from that others can see the streams through the darkness that I show and hopefully allow their eyes to find that crack, to squeeze themselves in.
I’ve had trouble in the past expressing my feelings and insecurities with my partners (hence my current hiding) and thank god I’ve been blessed with the strongest of men who have taken time to be patient and ask questions. I used to write about how I’ve built an igloo around my fire of a heart, waiting for someone else’s fire to come along and help me melt it. That happened, I met that person and they were amazing at the time but times change and I didn’t grow enough. I’ve always thought it’s someone else who’s gotta pull it out of me, or find more of me, but that’s impossible. If you could only ever see what I allow, how am I to expect that you’d even find the crack that I’ve made only half way for you? To tease you into wanting more. I don’t play games like this, so why has my mindset been so? Give an inch but have a mile at hand. No. Give a mile and take no more, have nothing else left because you give everything you have when it counts.
My anxiety has been caused by myself these past days. I make decisions and they aren’t the honest ones. I’m not being true, I’m being weak and I’m not throwing myself a pity party here so don’t you dare give me any of that shit. I am speaking to myself solely and you don’t need to know where this is coming from. No body needs to know. Except those of us involved, but here I am still keeping it to myself. Weak. I’ve disappointed myself as of late and for some reason I’m just now realizing it. My self awareness has lessened because I’ve wanted to do things that do not suit my character, rather go against. Something that could easily be fixed, I still see myself making the same decisions today that I made yesterday and the day before.
I am currently not looking within because I don’t like what resides there. Today, I will avoid as I have been doing. I confess to you as I ignore myself.
Someone I do not hide from on 35mm film