Notes to self look like this:
Breathe. Keep breathing. Deep breaths now. In then out, not just in. In then out. Let go a little bit, it’s okay to feel. Nothing is 100% – everything falters. Your strength lies in the clarity of these moments. Don’t let it slip. Keep breathing.
Some people make me so mad not because of what they do or how they do it but because they make me FEEL. In my mind, they dare cross some imaginary bridge I’ve built to separate my mind and heart and somehow they’ve not only crossed it but ceased it from existence. To create some mesh of mind and heart where laughter comes from the belly and hugs come from the soul. Who said you could do that? Who said I wanted that?
I’ve yet to find consistency in another human. Maybe that’s not a thing. I guess to put consistency in someone is to put some sort of dependency on them and that’s something I can’t stand for. Shit drives me insane. So maybe consistency isn’t the thing to look for. Honesty honesty honesty, I’ve found. I’ve found and not found. Some people fake honesty better than I could even imagine- but the gut always knows. The gut fights what you want to believe and stabs you in the stomach until you either believe it or you get slapped in the face with truth and your gut says, I told you so. Why didn’t you listen? When I don’t listen to my gut it’s almost always because I want to believe the lie of honesty from the person feeding it to me. They’ve painted a picture of vulnerability and truth and that’s something that exists in myself. To see in another person is a song unsung but forever ringing in my ears. I’m learning not to give weight to fairy tales. Not to have faith in the faithless. It’s not a tainted way a viewing, rather a clearer way to see who’s there and who’s true. Who really stands for what they scream about.
You don’t have to be in love with someone to be hurt by them. You just have to trust them. To trust their intentions and their fight and believe that what they do, they do with integrity and honesty and love. Love always. And people don’t have to be bad people to hurt you. They just have to carry dishonesty in their heart filled with pride but disguised by imagined flaws and aches. Your pride is your true flaw- vulnerability is a gift that only those true to themselves are lucky enough to experience and reap upon. Because vulnerability is a reward to yourself. It’s your mind telling your heart that finally, it is okay to be this way. It is okay to feel every bit of what you feel without shame or fear or pride. You don’t have to hide.
Notes to self repeat:
Breathe. Keep breathing. In then out.
My soul is on fire with possibility lately. My life is lighting with drive and passion and everything in my realm and beyond. Things I can reach and things I can not- but I will. Fear is something that has driven me for so long but I can feel it being dismissed more and more every second of every day. My friend told me, you can let the fact that you didn’t tie your shoes in the morning ruin your day if you let it. Mind over matter- we have a choice. Our minds are more powerful than comprehensible and that should empower you more than anything tangible could. Nothing is out of reach if you have the drive and belief to make it happen. Nothing can hold you back if you hold that belief as close to your heart as you hold your goals, your strength, your love.
I feel fueled by myself and all those I allow into my life. All those that show their colors true and bright, dull and honest- they fuel me with love and hope and belief in myself and in them. Incomparable beauty, my friendships have blossomed into the most beautiful connections I could have ever imagined. I am forever grateful for the love I have received and for the love I am blessed to give. Without limits I will give and unconditionally I shall continue to love. With my strength burning the insecurities inside of me and my love drying any tear that will ever fall, I lean on myself. I fight for me. I am strength. I am woman.
Me on 35mm film