Finding the strength to speak my truth with others in order to feel my truth within myself. I’ve been inspired by the strength of a man as of late. One who listens and accepts- does not judge or overlook. Patience is a virtue that not all have but it’s one for the books. To soothe a fear of abandonment with security and strength- not expectation or commitment but warmth and care. Honesty and kindness. Truth.
I’ve had a few heartaches in the past month and not by a life changing standard but it’s been mind altering, heart aching. I’ve realized there’s more to a friendship than a connection. There’s more to a connection than passion and attraction. Those things mean nothing. It takes open honesty and unguarded truth to see who a person truly is. To trust their intentions with your heart and soul and body. To know that you will not be taken advantage of or used but rather celebrated and praised- as friends should always do.
The man told me, Danielle- friendship first. We’ve got to know each other. I wanna see you mad- the maddest you can be and I want to know how you handle it. He taps my head talking about my brain- he likes that shit. He feels the depths and knows my gaze- I like that shit. It’s little things like being honest with your feelings and asking the questions that need to be asked that bring you closer to someone. Thank you for that.
I think most people get scared when things move fast, I get scared when things move slow. That’s a flaw. Sometimes I wake up thinking, Okay they (anyone- nay everyone) are obviously completely over me because obviously I am way too much of a human for anyone to handle so I will just go frolic alone in hell. *DRAMA* It’s a defense mechanism really. Like okay this isn’t going anywhere, better go break my own heart so I can avoid anyone else doing it. I’m over that shit. As I always say, vulnerability is a gift. Even when it’s scary.
My friend told me, Relax- just breathe. So I tell myself, keep breathing. Breathe through the emotions because they are real but they are not forever. You choose what you give weight to. The man told me, Wouldn’t you rather it take time than have this fast moving passion of infatuation just to have it dissipate just as quick? Yes, yes I would rather that. Thank you for helping me see clearly for, god, one of the first times I think. He said he pushes through the infatuation phase, the “honeymoon”, because he wants to see what’s in *here* (taps my head). Good, I want you to see that too.
So it takes time, who knew? Scary for a different reason but I like it. Friendship that could blossom but may not. Friendship nonetheless- that’s important to me. Expectations drown hope. It removes the magic of what is and puts in skewed ideas of what could be. Why imagine the unimaginable when you can live and breathe every moment of now and feel every depth around you. True beauty. Real magic.
Passion flows out of me naturally and fully- in everything I do. I’ve avoided situations of heartache the past month but now is the time to address so I’m doing so. It hurts because I care. It hurts because even when I’ve been hurt, I don’t want to hurt those who have hurt me. I don’t want them to know they’ve hurt me because I don’t want them to see the weight I’ve given. To see what they had and what they lost. Though this is exactly why they should know. To see the effect of their cause. To see how the cookie crumbles on the other side of things. Vulnerability gives me strength but only when I accept it in it’s full glory. It fuels me and reminds me of my passion and strength and the fact that even with my open heart, I am stronger than steel. I can and will endure whatever comes my way. Vulnerability is a strength because it allows me to allow. It lets me feel even when it hurts. That’s what I’ll never give up.
Thank you to those who let me be vulnerable, who too are vulnerable in return, and who do not take advantage. Not ever.
The shadow of someone who took advantage on 35mm film