Trimmed my nails to the brim so I would stop picking my cuticles to the point of open wounds. Driving to work I mindlessly fought a hanging skin with my teeth until the taste of iron reached my tongue. Dammit. Anxiety has been driving me for two days. For two days I’ve felt my mood slip from cheerful and carefree to defensive and dark. Returning responses of, No you should try it like this, with, But this way isn’t wrong. The man telling me not to martyr the feelings of others or my hair will turn gray- stop right there because this is who I am.
The man tells me not to point fingers, to think about what I say. How about you try and understand from a different point of view besides that of a man who doesn’t truly see the power play between the sexes. How about you don’t talk about a situation where I felt powerless and defenseless and say, It takes two- it is what it is. Don’t tell me what you would do, there’s no situation where you would ever be where I am. You are a man. The situation is different and though I understand your intention is to help, it hurts that you don’t see that.
I’ve learned that my mind reaches heights that just do not connect with most people. I can suppress and downsize what’s said and expressed but I can’t do that with what I feel. I can’t feel less or feel slower or keep from pushing and progressing and driving. That’s me. I like to do the most and do it often. I’d rather be open immediately because comfort is my goal. I won’t stay feeling awkward or judged. I won’t accept not being able to be me- fully and without apology. The man said, I can see how you can be intimidating, not everyone can handle what you do and how you do it- who you are. Honesty is important. I can see you cringe with certain things I do. Get used to it- I can’t shut me off.
I’ve lost the desire to change for any human. I’ve lost the drive to be anyone but who I know myself to be. I inspire most the ones who inspire me most- what a goddamn gift to the soul. And I’ve learned not to apologize for my feelings. Not to apologize for cutting toxins out of my life even when they don’t want to be cut out. I’m not apologizing because this isn’t an action to hurt you, this is an action to help me. Because you know how it used to go? “I’m sorry but you really hurt me and I can’t be your friend anymore. I’m sorry.” Fuck that and fuck you- I’m not sorry and I wasn’t sorry but I was weak. It’s like when you start talking and a man talks over so you stop in your tracks and your thoughts are never heard. Fuck that and fuck you. What you’re saying is not more important, of more value or more worthy of being heard- please remember that.
I’ve got good men in my life but I’ve encountered a shit storm of shitty ones as of late as well. The way the cookie crumbles. Good with the bad. I’m not butt hurt about it but I’m sure as hell annoyed. Works out though because the more I see what I don’t want, the more I know what I do want. What I seek from a human- romantic and not- and what I deserve as a woman full of fire and strength- never ending. And I hope this doesn’t find anyone as a sense of bashing because that’s not what I’m after here. I’m just working through my shit. My thoughts and feelings and trust me you’d rather have me do it here than out loud with you because we wouldn’t see eye to eye. You would talk over me and I would dismiss my thoughts- fuck that and fuck you.
So here’s to being a woman. It’s hard and we’re challenged in ways no man ever is but god damn is it worth it. My best friend told me, Danielle you are a force- when you’e doing your thing up in someone’s face, full and vibrant, you are giving them a gift. When they can’t handle it, it’s not you that they can’t handle it’s the force within you and everything you do. I am a force of a woman, she says. I can feel that. With everything in me I can feel a burning passion to do and keep doing. To fight and scream and never shut up about what’s eating me or fueling me. To share my passion for life and spread it like butter on everything I encounter.
This is me. Revealing who I am in every step I take because I can’t allow the people around me to even begin to be confused about who I am, what I do and what I want. I’ve removed ‘can’t’ from my vocabulary. It’s a key step into removing the fear in my soul. It’s been, ‘I can’t so I won’t’ for so long that my soul is embracing my mind in the newest and freshest way for now it’s ‘I can and I will’. Whatever comes, I will continue. Whatever goes, I will continue. I am the force that moves and evolves and is forever becoming. To my women, thank you and continue to continue.
A force of a woman on 35mm film