My heart is breaking from things that should not break me. My mind is weakened by things that normally strengthen. Maybe I’m allowing myself to falter and bend to things that should not be bent upon. Things that should be seen through but not felt through. Understand but do not give weight.
My heart is breaking from things I have long recovered from. Scar tissue yet again transformed to wound. These words are for no one but me. To fight my barriers of self-sabotage disguised as strength. To let out what I keep in.
It is not the fault of any other, my dissatisfaction. My unhappiness. No, this feat has been created and won by me and only me. I have gained the greatest clarity of self as of late and I will say with great honesty that it is not as shiny as I believe many of you make me out to be. As maybe I have made myself out to be, I am not as great. Not as true. Not as honest as I like to believe.
The honesty I speak of now, is that with self. Being clear enough within mind and soul to not only know when to walk away but to actually do so. To honestly act as truly as you think. As quickly as you feel. And I know it’s okay to recognize these things without such strict disappointment within myself but I can’t help but feel I have back tracked into an area I thought I had long ago dedicated as a distant memory. Though, looking back, I see I was only dismissing the landscape instead of absorbing the winds. Like looking through a glass window with desperation, conceding that it will always be out of reach, when all you had to do was open the window all along. Open the window, kick down the door, do what you have to do. But do not concede. Do not belittle your mind by dismissing your potential and denying your worth. This is suicide of the heart and the mind. Stop killing yourself.
My heart breaks because I can’t stop breaking it. I fake fall for humans without intentions that I relate to. I fake fall but think it’s real and tear myself apart when I realize it’s not. This fault is mine. I give unconditionally until I realize these truths and I cut myself off like a goddamn faucet and that’s something we all notice. How could you not? Searing strength and warmth turned not cold but dry and empty, an illusion like nothing was ever there. I’m the toxic one.
My heart breaks with realizations of who I am and what I do and all of the things I’ve imagined myself to be but lack entirely. Clarity is not mine, not truly. Strength is a figment of what I wish to carry, how I wish to act. I can not end this on a positive note because today, I do not deserve it. I don’t deserve the pat of back or hands held high. On the contrary, I do deserve love. Self love, always and continuing. That I deserve uncondtionally and without question. Maybe next time I’ll have more positive things to share about myself. Maybe next time I won’t be such a coward.
Trash on 35mm film