It’s so interesting- being the person you were, you thought you were, you think you can be and who you will actual be all rolled up into who you are. Right now and right here, this presence you feel with yourself- that is you.
I’ve been feeling so envious as of late. Envy growing and growing, every day.
I just was too embarrassed to ask for ketchup so I asked for sriracha and now my tongue hurts and it’s still not moist enough so I feel like I need more sriracha but then my tummy will hurt. Why can’t I just ask for ketchup?
I’m watching Netflix in a coffee shop because it makes me feel better than watching it in bed- but I’m also writing this and I wouldn’t be doing that in bed.
Edit- I’m doing this to distract from the fact that I’m watching Netflix in a coffee shop… I can only stare at my screen for so long before it’s suspect.
I used to only come here for the pups. Now I come here for other things. Also I can get off from two macchiatos all day long. Only one today though.
I’ve been here for twenty minutes and I’m ready to go.
Okay- one more macchiato.
They don’t know my name but they know my face. That still works for me. As long as it’s familiar and kind- it’ll work. Though I’m always looking for some spontaneity to hit me in the face. Spontaneity is one of those things that you can’t have time to think about. If you think about it, if you have time- it is no longer spontaneous, it is planned. Even the shittily planned is still planned. How do we avoid that? We get slapped in the fucking face with spontaneity. You feel it- you do it. You think it- you do it. You have it- you take it.
There are boxes we put ourselves in and boxes we put others in. I had someone tell me one time that I need to put people in boxes. Compartmentalize their souls is what I understood from this. Put boundaries on the ones you claim to love in order to keep yourself from diving in too deep. Can’t dive into a box. Can barely explore in there. I don’t want a heart full of boxes. I want love and light and teeny tiny holes where darkness and light alike are permitted to seep and stray- to and from. I don’t want my people in boxes. I want them free to roam every inch of my heart and soul, to discover new meanings and new realms. Introduce me to myself why don’t you?
Then there are the boxes we put ourselves in. Created always out of fear. Sustained only out of comfort.
I see someone I don’t want to see walk through the door- why are you always where I am? I don’t like you. Never did. Glad I don’t have to hide it anymore.
The boxes we create for ourselves do not aid in our expression, they do not aid in our growth. What they do is create a comfy safe haven where all is always and nothing is changing. Stop punishing yourself. Create a circle and see what real never-ending passion feels like. Destroy your box and feel the burn you imagine.
Basically, here I am, fake preaching in a coffee shop that is also a dog park. I haven’t pet a dog and I am still watching Portlandia in the background. I never got my ketchup but sriracha is still yummy and there are napkins to catch my nose slobber. The macchiatos are working. Number two is always a good idea. Espresso makes me feel like I’m on drugs- but like drugs I actually need. I’m still not on my anti-meds because my insurance doesn’t kick in until 6/1 and I’m honestly just seeing how I ride it out.
That’s my update and this is my post. These are my current thoughts and my actions too. Less emotion today but in a good way. I feel somewhat balanced but still- as always- all over the place.
Till next time.