Sometimes, as in this time, you have to force yourself. To create, to be, to get the fuck up.
I don’t feel the magical pull of inspiration to write from my soul- but that is exactly what I know my soul needs. To reach deeply within myself and pull words of emotion and strength out from my mind.
I have failed to find my purpose in this world. The possibility that I am ignoring what I already know is also a truth I hold within my heart. Truths I’ve found that can often tear down but just as easily build me up.
The fact that I have not found my purpose reminds me that it is still out there. That my reason to keep going is still here and still going strong.
Driving into work and almost hitting a car- I feel the urge to live. To fight. To keep my car from colliding into yours and that is what I am living for. The urge to live. To keep fighting for my life even in the moments where I could so fluidly not.
Happiness comes to me like a high. Teetering on mania, I feel elated while knowing this moment too shall pass. Others look to me for their sunshine not realizing the storm I also carry. Those from afar see only the rainbow of what has passed, only the wind of what is to come.
Often I feel guilty letting people get close as they fall in love with my light. Always thinking of when my storm will knock and blow. Away from me you will go. And if it doesn’t- I always do.
From my relationships that have not lasted, I have learned that I haven’t learned very much at all. The love I thought I knew so well, understood so deeply and fully of what I want and need- I do not. Commitment issues are mine and that is a new discovery. To want something for only a moment, that is, in many instances, my curse.
What is to be done within these moments of honest clarity with myself? To clearly move forward knowing my faltering stances on what I believe are forever changing. Evolving with each soul that brings new knowledge into my being. Falling in love with more than I could remember but not truly loving them at all.
Here we are. I think this is progress. Stay tuned- I will continue.