To explain just how the way you’ve made me feel is the way you were made to feel. Showing in detail the similarities between how your effected pain caused actions to do the same.
Maybe one day, I’ll feel different but as the days go on, the more I feel the same. The more I realize what I don’t want to say.
And maybe it’s just the lacking realization of how we act and how we want to be, not realizing so often that they are not one in the same. Not seeing how often what happens to us is just more of what affects how we happen to others.
It feels as if I haven’t cried in years yet my heart has been aching for decades. Slowly the chips fall away to show not the strength in where I stand but the melting fortress containing my fire and sometimes this looks like strength but right now it feels like hurt and pain and no matter which way I look, I’m not sure how to move forward. I don’t know where my path is, if there is one.
The lump in my throat grows but my tears will not fall. I walked aimlessly through the streets this day when you left and I had no thoughts to share, no tears to fall, no pain to understand. And before I realized my silence, I broke. I felt deeply and strongly and my heart hurt. I walked faster wanting only to slam myself in the ground, against the walls, into the sun.
Instead I walked. Responding with kindness and openness, none of which I felt.
It’s taken me weeks to see what I actually feel from this- to understand that there is not only goodness where you lie.
Maybe one day I’ll have the guts. To share truly how I feel. Maybe I’ll leave it here. With some slight faith that you don’t have a complete disregard for what I stand for.
Unfortunately at this point, I have proof of few things. Love is not one of them.